


I'm still me, Frank

by tonysta_k



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Coming Out, FTM Gerard, M/M, Universe Alteration, transgender Gerard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-04 09:33:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4132540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tonysta_k/pseuds/tonysta_k
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard can't go another day without telling Frank. He can't go another day without telling him who the real him is. He can't go another day going by a name that isn't his and being called by pronouns that do not suit him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written for a bandom in.. two years? And this is my first time writing for mcr at all. But nevertheless, here's this fic. It's going to to a couple of chapters, maybe more. It all depends really. Anyway, please tell me what you think :)

Gerard stands in front of the mirror, body naked and hands shaking. It happens every time he does this. He can't stand to see his body, but he has to see if anything has changed. If he's developed more, though he knows at the age of nineteen it's highly unlike. He slowly brings his hands up and cups his two large breasts. They make him want to cry, but he holds back his tears in fear of waking his family. He rather not explain why he is stood naked in the mirror in the early hours of the morning.

His breast are round and soft. Gerard knows there are people who envy him for having such perfectly shaped boobs, but for Gerard they're one of the main things that fuel his body dysphoria. They're one of the reasons why Gerard hates himself.

Gerard, or as his birth certificate reads, Gina, isn’t in their body. Yes, he has a body, but it isn’t Gerard’s. It doesn’t match with his gender. Physically, Gerard is female. He was born a girl and his name is actually Gina, though he gets people to call him ‘Gee’ instead, seeing as it’s a genderless name. He's called the wrong name and he's always misgendered. He knows it's not people’s fault - he hasn't told anyone how he feels. He hasn't told anyone that he's not a she, that 'Gina' is Gerard. But it doesn’t stop him from feeling extremely out of place.

He's known since he was just fourteen, but didn't dare to come out. He was far too anxious, and honestly he still is. At first he was in denial, he couldn't understand how something like this was possible. But with a bit of research and YouTube videos, he found out that yes, it was possible. It had been overwhelming for him, to find out that he was not who he thought he was. And now all he wants it to be set free from it all. He just wants to be himself instead of Gina. He wants to wear suits and jeans instead of dresses and skirts.

Gerard's sick of being looked at by guys in school as if he's a piece of meat and they haven't eaten in days. He's sick and tired of having his ass grabbed and dirty notes being passed to him. He's sick of it all.

Of course Gerard has people he could tell. His mum and dad have never spoken a word of discrimination in all the years that Gerard has been on the earth. Or he could go to his younger brother Mikey, they’ve always been close. He could even talk to his friends, Ray or Bob, though he knows that neither of them are exactly up to date on LGBT issues, he’s pretty sure they don’t even know what the letters stand for. And then there’s Frank.

Frank’s been Gerard’s boyfriend for the last six months now, but Gerard’s never been able to say anything about his true gender. He knows Frank inside out - he knows all his secrets and he could recite his history without a problem, and although he knows for a fact that Frank is a supporter of the LGBTQIA+ community, he can’t bring himself to tell him. He can’t find the courage that he needs. And in a way, he feels worse knowing everything there is about Frank yet Frank doesn’t know the most important thing there is a about Gerard. And it scares Gerard because what if he tells Frank and he just flips. What if he screams at him and says things that can never been taken back? Would he stop loving Gerard?

All these thoughts of Frank not being in his life cause Gerard to produce a sob that leaves his lips before he can process a thought to stop it. He quickly covers his mouth and squeezes his eyes shut, trying to get the thoughts out of his head and his anxiety down.

After a few minutes, once he’s sure he’s not going to cry, he opens his eyes and removes his hand from his mouth. He’s a bit shaky and he feels lightheaded.

Turning his back to the mirror and leans down, picking up the top of Frank’s that he wears to bed. He gets back up and slides it over his head and gets in bed. The pillow is cool against his skin and as he closes his eyes, desperate to escape the cruelty of reality, he makes the decision that he’s been debating for a few days. He’s going to come out to Frank tomorrow.


	2. Chapter Two

The next morning Gerard is woken up by the sound of birds and dogs barking. He yawns quietly and doesn’t open his eyes as he curls up into himself, enjoying the warmth of the sheets. His hair has come out of the short ponytail that it’s always kept in for bed.

Just as he can feel himself falling back to sleep, his phone buzzes under his pillow. Gerard contemplates whether or not he should just ignore it, but as soon as he realizes it might be Frank, he sits up and gets his phone.

He rubs the sleep out of his eyes before unlocking his phone and reading the text.

Good morning. My parents are out for the day, come over?

It’s from Frank, and Gerard replies before he can talk himself out of it.

I’ll be there in an hour or so, I need to talk to you about something.

Gerard closes his eyes, inhales and exhales before he opens his eyes and sighs. His eyes are already watering and his hands are shaking from his anxiety. But he’s got to do this. He needs to be able to talk to someone who isn’t in a different country about this.

Just as he goes to put his phone on charge, he gets another message from Frank.

Okay, is everything alright?

Gerard bites his lip so it doesn’t wobble and he won’t cry. He shakes his head, even though Frank can’t see him. Because things aren’t alright, and he doesn’t know how Frank will react. Instead of answering, he puts his phone on charge and heads out of his room for a shower.

//

“Good morning,” he says as he walks in the kitchen, dressed in black jeans and yet another one of Frank’s shirts. His bra is a bit tight on him, and it’s a constant reminder that he’s not in his body.

“Good morning, are you going out today?” his mother asks from where she’s sat at the table, typing on the laptop which Gerard supposes is work.

“Yeah, I’m just getting breakfast and then I’m going over to Frank’s for the day.”

Going on his tiptoes, he opens the cupboard and gets one of his cereal bars. Why they’re kept on the shelf he can barely reach is unknown, but Gerard’s too lazy to move the box. He leans against the counter and as he starts to eat, his mum looks at him and laughs.

“What?” Gerard frowns.

“You have so many tops, and yet you decide that to wear Frank’s. Do you not like the one’s you have?”

No, Gerard thinks. Most of his clothes are unisex or from the boys’ section, but others are presents and are frilly and pink. Sure, they’re pretty. But Gerard is trying his best to dress how he wants to so that he can at least know his outfit is masculine, even if physically he isn’t.

“Yes,” he lies. “I just like wearing Frank’s clothes.”

“Very well then,” his mum answers before going back to typing away on her laptop.

“Take your key with you,” she says after a few minutes of silence. “Mikey’s out and your father and I are going out for the weekend.”

Gerard nods. He’s been told this at least five times this week, but doesn’t say so. “Okay, have fun.”

Headphones are kept in as he walks to Frank’s. His hands are shoved in his pocket and for a little bit of the walks he kicks a stone until it rolls onto the road. His anxiety is horribly high and he has to keep reminding himself that it will be okay. But he doesn’t know if he’s trying to convince himself or assure himself. The last thing he needs right now are negative thoughts, so he turns the volume up on his music and walks a little faster.

By the time he reaches Frank’s, he’s shaking and close to tears. This is it. He puts his headphones in his bag and takes a deep breath. He opens the door without knocking, like he always does when Frank’s parents aren’t in. He slips his shoes off and shuts the door as he stands in the hallway. He can hear the TV on in the lounge, and before walking in he takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes.

“What is this?” Gerard asks as he walks over to the couch.

This seems to scare Frank a bit, because he jumps. “You scared me,” Frank laughed and looks at Gerard before pulling him down next to him on the couch gently.

Shifting a little before leaning against his boyfriend, he wraps his arms around Frank and Frank immediately started to play with Gerard’s hair.

“Where’re your parents?”

“Out shopping. Something about wanting to have food in for when my grandmother visits.”

Gerard nods, “When’s that?”

“Like I know, I hardly ever take notice of anything they say,” Frank laughs.

Gerard rolls his eyes fondly and looks down at the tattooed hand that sits on Frank’s lap. He studies it, not for the first time before closing his eyes and pushing his head against Frank.

Something he adores about his relationship with Frank is the fact that they don’t constantly make out or constantly have sex. They don’t have to be talking to be comfortable when they’re together. They don’t even have to be cuddled up, though Gerard does love cuddling. Frank’s arms are a safe place for Gerard, and he never wants to lose it.

“What was it that you wanted to tell me?” Frank asks after a while of just enjoying each other’s presence and warmth with the telly on.

This one sentence makes Gerard’s stomach feel funny. He can feel the anxiety rush back and fill his body. All the negative thoughts about Frank leaving him come back come back in a bat of an eyelid and Gerard sucks in a breath. Sitting up, he leans against Frank and brings his knees up to his chest.

Frank catches on that something serious is about to be spoken about, and to assure Gerard that it’s okay, he wraps his arm around him and pulls him closer, kissing his head and rubbing his back. “In your own time, when you’re ready,” he says encouragingly.

Gerard nods, and whilst this is all making him feel better, it also makes him a lot more anxious to come out. He can’t lose Frank, he just can’t. “I’m transgender. I’m not a girl, I’m a boy.” His voice breaks and tears stream down his face as he looks at Frank. He’s petrified of being rejected and losing him.

Frank doesn’t say anything for a few seconds, but when he does speak he says, “Okay.”

Before Gerard can say anything, Frank repositions himself and pulls Gerard into his arms fully and holds him close. Gerard is a bit confused, and for some reasons he’s crying against Frank’s shirt. He isn’t sure if he’s relieved or if he’s still terrified of rejection. ‘Okay’ isn’t much to go on.

Frank runs his fingers through Gerard’s hair, “How long have you known?”

“S-since I was fourteen,” Gerard says with a hiccup.

Frank nods, even though Gerard has his face pushed against his top. “Are you out to any of your family or friends?”

Gerard shakes his head.

“So, I’m the first person you’ve told?”

Again, Gerard shakes his head and looks up at Frank, “I have some internet friends that know. But other than them, you’re the only person who knows.”

Frank nods and presses his lips to the tip of Gerard’s nose, “You know I’m not mad or something, right?”

“You’re not?”

“Of course I’m not,” Frank says and sends Gerard a reassuring smile. “And I’m so proud of you for coming out to me, I can only imagine how scared you’ve been.”

Gerard simply nods his head, “I thought you might leave me.”

“I would never leave you because of this,” Frank says and rubs at the lower part of Gerard’s back. “I do have two questions, though.”

Gerard looks at his boyfriend, and Frank can see the small amount of fear left in Gerard’s eyes.

“Firstly, what pronouns do you want me to use? Secondly, is there a different name you want me to call you?”

The fear in Gerard’s eyes is replaced with happiness. “He and him for the pronouns, and I really like the name Gerard.”

Frank nods, “Okay. Gerard’s a cool name, by the way. I really like it.”

“You do?” Gerard asks with a grin, his cheeks glossy with tears.

“Definitely,” Frank replies.

Gerard closes his eyes and smiles, anxiety and fear leaving his body. He leans against Frank and rests his head against his shoulder. “Thank you for not being disgusted by me.”

“There is absolutely nothing to be disgusted about. And I love you for you, not your gender.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any thoughts or feedback, it's all welcome! My tumblr is frankeyeairoh.tumblr and my instagram is frank_eyeairoh :)


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this fic has gotten so much positivity, thank you so much! There's only going to be one more chapter after this, and then I'm going to finish off the Harry Potter fic and then I'll be uploading another Frerard fic soon (hopefully in a week). Anyway, here we go!

Frank stays at Gerard's that night, and it makes Gerard's heart flutter when Frank uses the pronouns he told him to.

They're laid outside in the garden on the grass. Not because they're romantic, but because Frank screamed at the sight of a spider, Gerard ran after him (crying with laughter) and the door locked after them.

"It wasn't even that big," Gerard laughs, laying on his back.

"But it was moving towards me with a hungry look!"

"A hungry look?!" Gerard snorts. "Frank you couldn't even see it's face!"

"Do spiders even have faces?"

"Yes. Of course they do - how else would they see and eat? Not to mention catch their prey."

Frank is silent before shrugging, "When is Mikey coming back with his key?"

Gerard looks at his phone, checking the message his brother had sent him. "About five minutes or so."

He turns on his side and lays his head on Frank's chest with his eyes closed.

Frank doesn't speak, instead letting the comfortable silence breeze over them.

Frank thinks back to the first date he took Gerard out on. They went to a roller skating rink, and Frank had fallen more times than he can remember. Gerard, being the sweetheart he was (and still is) held Frank's hand and led him around the rink. They kissed as Frank walked Gerard to his front door, and it was the first time Frank had enjoyed a kiss properly.

Back then, Gerard's hair was long and naturally brown. Frank turns his head and smiles at Gerard's blonde hair with dark roots.

The back door opens, and Mikey calls out, "Stop shagging and get inside."

Gerard rolls his eyes and sits up, giving his younger brother the middle finger.

It's warmer inside, and Gerard puts the kettle on and opens the cupboard where he keeps all the different teas he buys.

"There has to be at least fifty different teas," Mikey laughs.

"Nah, at least fifty two," Frank joins in.

"Fine, neither of you can have any peppermint tea. And for the record, there's only twenty seven."

"'Only'," Mikey teases.

Gerard makes himself a cup of green tea whilst Frank settles for a can of beer. They sit on the couch, watching some shitty black and white film.

"Do you have a binder?"

Frank's question grabs Gerard by surprise. "No.. Mum always open the stuff I get in the mail and Mikey snoops around my room to borrow my CDs. Not to mention I'm too scared to wear once since no one knows that I'm trans."

Frank nods, "I could get you one?" he suggested. "You could wear it when we go out?"

Gerard bites the corner of his lower lip and fumbles with the material of Frank's top. "I don't know... I don't want people to see me and ask me questions."

Frank nods. He knows that this is Gerard's decision. Frank will encourage him and support him, but he'll never force him into a decision that he isn't comfortable with or that would make his opinions and rights feel unvalued and ignored.

"Okay," he replies, raising his hand and poking Gerard on his nose. "It was just an idea, and we can drop it or think about it another time."

Gerard simply nods, and it's more than obvious to Frank that the topic needs to be dropped and a new one needs to be brought up.

"Have you started the English assignment?"

Gerard is in a higher English class than Frank, but they're all set the same assignments around the same time.

Gerard nods and pushes some hair behind his ear, "I've finished it." he smiles, looking down at Frank.

Frank's eyebrow raises, "Finished?!"

Gerard laughs, "You haven't even started it, have you Frank?"

"I've written the title; that counts."

"You know, I can help you with it," Gerard suggests as he stretches his legs out.

"Maybe tomorrow, I rather spend tonight relaxing."

Gerard turns the TV over and grins when a the opening titles to a horror film.

"No way," Frank says and goes to grab the remote but Gerard moves it out of the way.

"Yes way," Gerard replies and grins at the undertone pun.

"You know I hate these," Frank groans.

"Yes but I love them, and you love me, so you have to watch it with me."

Frank sighs and gives in, but makes Gerard pause it so he can get up and grab popcorn and a blanket. Once that's done, the two boys sit with their knees up on the couch, watching the film.

"Why the fuck is she going into the cupboard?" Frank asks, watching the screen and getting few pieces of popcorn from the bowl that balances on one of his knees and one of Gerard's.

"I thought we went over this - she's gone to find the demon thing."

Before Frank can answer, the face of the demon pops up on the screen with a high pitch scream, causing Frank to jump, scream, and send popcorn everywhere.

Gerard is laughing so much that tears spill over his cheeks and he has to close his eyes with his hand on his stomach.

"I hate this fucking film!" Frank says and puts the blanket over his head. This only makes Gerard laugh more.

"Oh," Gerard laughs and pulls the blanket off Frank's head. "You are absolutely adorable." He kisses Frank's cheek.

"Yeah well that demon thing isn't."

Gerard laughs and gets up, picking the bowl up and pausing the film. He sits down on Frank's lap and wraps his arms around his neck.

"I prefer your face much more than that demon," Frank grins and wraps his arms around Gerard's waist.

Frank's lips meet Gerard's, and the air stops holding an ambiance of comedy and grips one of passion and lust.

Gerard slides his hand up into Frank's hair and grips onto it, deepening the kiss at the same time.

The first time they had made out had been nowhere near as smooth as it was now. They kept bumping nose and their fingers would get stuck in awkward places.

They make out for a little, until they're disturbed by an awkward cough.

"You too are far too keen on each other," Mikey teased and scrunched up his nose.

"Better than keeping magazines under my bed," Gerard smirks.

Mikey mumbles something with red cheeks before heading into the kitchen. He returns just seconds later, "What's with the mess?"

"Oh, Frank got scared," Gerard grinned.

"Hey, she shouldn't of gone in the cupboard!" Frank exclaims.

Gerard suggests that they should tidy up and go upstairs to his room, to which Frank agrees. It doesn't take them too long to tidy it all up, and once they have they go upstairs.

They brush their teeth and of course, Gerard wears one of the tops from his collection of Frank's shirts.

"You've had that one for so long I don't even remember it," Frank comments as his boyfriend sits next to him, leaning against him.

"It's my favourite," Gerard says happily, one hand in Frank's and the other playing with Frank's fingers.

Frank looks down at their hands and turns his head, kissing Gerard's. "I'm going to put a ring on your finger one day," he says.

"Really?" Gerard asks, the grip of his hand on Frank's tightening.

"Of course, I want to marry the boy I love," Frank whispers.

Gerard doesn't think he's ever smiled so much in his life. He turns his head and pushes his face into Frank's shoulder, pushing his leg through Frank's so it sits between them.

"I love you," Frank smiles in a tone that screams happy and content.

"I love you too."


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say thank yo for everyone who's been supportive of this fic, you guys are great and I appreciate every kudos, bookmark, comment, hit, everything! It means a lot. This is just a small ending chapter, and after this I'm going to be posting another multichapter Frerard fic :)

One Year Later

Coming out to Mikey was about the same difficulty level as when he came out to Frank. He was nervous and he shook a lot, but his litter brother promised that he wasn’t disgusted or ashamed, and that he would use the pronouns that his elder brother wanted.

Coming out to his mum was probably the hardest. Well actually, it was the hardest. He worked himself up so much that he thought he was going to faint, though luckily his mum was able to calm him down and once he was calm enough, he told her. At first, she didn’t say anything. But then she nodded, and said that she was extremely proud of him for coming out, and that they would start the hormone replacement therapy as soon as possible.

Skip a year forward, and there is no Gina at all, but there’s Gerard. For ten months he’s been on testosterone, and he’s dyed his hair multiple times - it’s currently bright red. He’s gained muscle, due to going to the gym.

Everyone’s been so supportive, but Gerard is most grateful for Frank and how amazing he’s been through all of it. Gerard feared that Frank was going to leave him when he started to transition. That it was going to be too much and he would leave him. But Frank didn’t. No, instead he stayed by Gerard’s side and defended him. He stuck by him and when Gerard cracked and broke down due to the negativity from people in school, Frank held him close and assured him that he wasn’t a freak or a disgrace. That he’s a handsome boy and that Frank loves him more than he can explain.

“I don’t know how you can have so many tattoos.. don’t they hurt?” Gerard asks as he sits next to Frank in the tattoo salon.

“Not really, I’m use to it,” Frank says with a shrug.

Gerard shakes his head and rests his head on Frank’s shoulder, “I still think you’re crazy.”

“Yeah, crazy in love with you,” Frank grins, rubbing his nose against Gerard’s, who’s blushing.

“You’re a sap,” Gerard tells his boyfriend but he’s smiling, and presses a kiss to Frank’s lips.

Frank grins into the kiss, kissing back before pulling back when he heard his name being called for his tattoo to be done. “Coming with me?” he asks, looking at Gerard.

Gerard nods and gets up, knowing he feels more anxious than Frank does and Frank’s the one getting the tattoo. “You’ll have to hold my hand,” Gerard grins, getting up with Frank.

Frank laughs, “If I have to.” he teases.

Hand in hand, they walk into the room that Frank is going to get his tattoo done.

Gerard smiles fondly as Frank sits down in the chair.

He can’t believe how lucky he is to have Frank as his boyfriend.


End file.
